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VP of Human Rejections, RH
Job Ref Number: 000-DENY
About the Role
SarcastiCo. is searching for a fearless leader to oversee all things denial, disappointment, and paperwork nobody reads. Your mission is to guard our circus from joy, hope, and most importantly… Coldplay concerts. You must not, under any circumstances, attend any Coldplay concerts. We cannot stress this enough.
Responsibilities
. Run the Human Rejections department with a hard “no” policy.
. Translate employee complaints into unreadable policy PDFs.
. Lead onboarding, then offboarding in the same quarter.
Requirements
. A proven ability to crush morale with a smile.
. Fluency in Outlook, Excel, and passive-aggressive memos.
. A degree in Bureaucracy, Emotional Neglect, or similar field.
Perks & Benefits
. Endless swag.
Salary & Location
. Salary: Competitive (competitively low).
. Location: In-person, remote, or hybrid — we’ll reject you equally.
. Hours: Flexible, meaning always on.
SarcastiCo. is an “equal opportunity employer.” We reject all applicants equally, regardless of skill, ambition, or basic human dignity.
C.U.N.T., RH
Job Ref Number: 069-CUNT
About the Role
C.U.N.T.s (Coordinator of Unquestionable Norms & Terminology) have always existed within RH without the recognition of a formal title. We are changing that by granting them the visibility they deserve. In this role, you will champion the corporate values that should never, ever be questioned. From policy enforcement to cultural alignment, you’ll ensure that every employee follows the rules: even if no one understands them.
Responsibilities
. Draft, implement, and enforce policies that are “non-negotiable” by design.
. Translate simple requests into impenetrable corporate jargon.
. Rebrand compliance as “culture.”
Requirements
. Experience in HR, legal, or any role where answering “why” was discouraged.
. Demonstrated ability to speak in buzzwords until everyone gives up.
. A proven track record of never admitting mistakes.
Perks & Benefits
. Endless swag.
Salary & Location
. Salary: Competitive (competitively low).
. Location: In-person, remote, or hybrid — we’ll reject you equally.
. Hours: Flexible, meaning always on.
SarcastiCo. is an “equal opportunity employer.” We reject all applicants equally, regardless of skill, ambition, or basic human dignity.
Associate Manager, Strategic Vision
Job Ref Number: 171-PRAY
About the Role
SarcastiCo. is seeking a visionary Associate Manager, Strategic Vision, to provide strategic foresight and mystical alignment across all business functions. In this pivotal role, you will be expected to predict layoffs, forecast PTO denials, and deliver quarterly prophecies that inspire fear, compliance, and occasional laughter.
Responsibilities
. Conduct weekly readings of coffee-stained expense reports to foresee budget cuts.
. Deliver vague, mystical predictions during all-hands meetings (e.g., “A reorg is coming…”).
. Maintain the ceremonial crystal ball, ensuring it’s synced with Outlook calendars.
Requirements
. Experience predicting things no one wanted to hear.
. Proven ability to speak in riddles that sound actionable but aren’t.
. Familiarity with tarot decks, org charts, and quarterly KPIs.
Perks & Benefits
. Endless swag.
Salary & Location
. Salary: Competitive (competitively low).
. Location: In-person, remote, or hybrid — we’ll reject you equally.
. Hours: Flexible, meaning always on.
SarcastiCo. is an “equal opportunity employer.” We reject all applicants equally, regardless of skill, ambition, or basic human dignity.